l i l e p h y t e

October 28th, 00:54 | Why be smart when I can be emo?

I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh

So much nostalgia and weird attachment left-over from the weekend. No regret though, which is the way I like it. So many good memories, and warm thoughts. Thinking lots about RecentEx (no really, renaming bout coming soon) who, I believe, should be in Japan by now. Haven't heard from him though, so I'm kind of wondering if he's settling in alright. I do hope he's okay; it'll be really hard on him being alone out there. Lots of worries.

I want to hold you high, and steal your pain

This really applies to everyone I care about... and, as I discovered last weekend, even to some people I really don't care about anymore. Guess there's no quelling that small girl inside me who wants to run around whipping band-aids onto everyone's scraped knees. I know I need to change. I know I can't take care of the whole world. Some days I can even feel the indifference directed at the people who I know don't deserve my time. But then... I feel the girl turning around to look back at them and offer her hand. How the hell did someone as spoiled and bitchy as me develop such a... a what? Conscience? I don't know what she is. But she's definitely something I really like in myself, even if I know that it's what'll one day destroy me.

You've gone away; you don't feel me anymore

Wondering if the Boy has decided he doesn't want to talk to me after all. Not entirely unhappy with that. I miss him, and I'm kind of curious since he said he wanted to talk-talk but at the same time... I feel he would probably benefit from some time away from me. I wonder if he's just busy though. I wonder a lot of things. I kind of want to talk to him, straighten everything out, figure out what's going on but... at the same time, if this is him moving away for some Boy-space... well, I don't want to get in the way of that.

There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight

I remember the first time I heard this line last year. At the time I interpreted it as "no one left on our side to help us fight". After a couple weeks though, I guess around the summer, I started hearing it as "there's no one left for us to fight". I always wondered if that vagueness was intentional. It's the way I hear it now, although I do wonder which they had in mind when they wrote it. I'm happy with the way I feel these days. Don't know what it is really that's made the change; probably all of everything that's happened over the past six months but... I'm kind of beginning to get a grip on the idea of my life as a life that has to exist without a pre-existing framework.

Yes, I am aware of what I've been doing. There's no need to point out how sad it is that this whole entry is interspersed with crappy lyrics from a none-too-good song. You know what though? I don't care. I may not be a big fan of Seether, and the gods know Evanescence drives me up the fucking wall, but I really like the version of this song with Amy Lee singing too. It fit my mood crazily tonight. Still not sure why.

Know what though? I'm wide-wide-open, and I'm not broken, and I know I'm strong enough. Even on those awful days I feel choked by loneliness. Having a path to follow (if not a specific goal) is always nice; having one that you chose for yourself, and knowing you're walking down it is just a whole 'nother kind of High.

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