January 12th, 13:27 | Countdown to confrontation I no longer have the heart for

I don't want to go.

I don't want to go to the student centre, meet up at the bar we always hang out in and Talk. I don't want to see you, see you tired, and telling me about how you managed, despite all the fuss and problems you've had, to get your play done. I don't want to hear the excuses, sorry, the million details, the insane amount of time you've spent on your play lately (and I know it's all true) that make up the exc... the reason why you've not talked to me in over a month.

Not over email, not returning my calls, not coming to see me, not keeping any of your promises. It bothers me that I stopped by on my way home once, over a week ago, and you said you wanted to set up a regular lunch time or something (I hate being scheduled in) and you haven't done anything. I hate the fact that you wouldn't have called if I hadn't left you two messages, both of them sounding pissy, and stating that I knew you weren't going to answer.

I don't want to go. I don't want wander around in the greasy smell from the autofry and see you looking apologetic, and try to stay mad, and eventually just be hurt and cry, in the middle of the goddamn student centre... again. Because that's always what happens. I'm tired of being let down. I'm tired of always feeling disappointed. We're not dating anymore; I shouldn't have to deal with disappointment now.

I don't have time for this. I have time for the half-hour catch-up chat you'd like to pretend to have. I even have time to make it a regular, meaningless, bullshit ritual you seem to want to set up that would move me from the status of "friend" to "appointment". Yeah, I have time for that. But I don't have time for this month's fountain of the build-up of hurt that's made up most of this school year so far. And I meant what I said. If you really can't be bothered, just fucking tell me. I'll stop wasting your time, hang out with friends who actually want to be involved with my life and train myself to not hurt anymore.

Because I don't want what this has become. We were good friends. We had a better relationship than we used to have while we were dating. And I know the timing is coincidence, but nonetheless, you fell apart when you got together with her. So go. Pay attention to your new girl, because I know full well that there's no room in your life for two girls. She's your focus now, and she deserves your attention.

And even while I'm writing all this out, like a big dramatic goodbye, I know it won't happen. That you'll promise things will be different. And maybe they will. But I don't want to believe you anymore. You hurt too much.

Top five songs for how I feel? (Not in order)

Trampoline, Wild Strawberries
Hype, Tegan and Sara
Because of You, Letters to Cleo
Ten, Jimmy Eat World
Get Back, Veruca Salt

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