l i l e p h y t e

May 16th, 16:56 | "Nothing very very good and nothing very very bad ever lasts for very very long."

Feeling mentally all-over-the-place for the past couple days. I keep encountering thoughts and passages that make me think, that warm my heart, that make me smile. Example? Here's one, from Generation X, the first one that really caught my attention.

"Claire meanwhile, I noticed peripherally, sitting over on the edge of one of the ocher-silted mineral pools, her feet dangling in the honey-coloured murk of water and staring at the sun, now almost set over the mountain. In her small voice she was talking to the sun and telling it she was very sorry if we'd hurt it or caused it any pain. I knew then that we were friends for life."

This one almost hurts to read. The Boy used to tell me he liked my "small voice", that he liked the feeling of protecting me. It was generally when we were curled up in bed together, and I was hiding from the world, and really just wanted to disappear into the warmth and happiness. He'd say he didn't mind my hiding behind him from the world.

Sitting on the subway on the way to work the past couple days, I spent the time staring at LavaLife ads and got to thinking, if I had to write a profile for myself, what would I write? In my opinion, it's really hard to write something like that because while it's easy to list hobbies, status stuff and "favourites", it's really hard to capture what it's like to be with you, which is really what people want to know, right? I'm not really sure what I'd write, for me, but a couple sentences that came to mind were...

    "I am bloodless; rather I have distilled sunshine coursing through my veins... most days."
    "Strangely obsessed by stray thoughts in books and movies. They cling to me the way pet fur sticks to other people."
    "Easily distracted by shiny objects and whimsies of the moment, but generally worth the hassle."
    "In a fight, I may be mollified by candy."
    "I'm the world's cheapest date, but don't be fooled; I'm emotionally about as high-maintenance as they come. Be warned."

Once again, it becomes evident that I should steer clear of a career in marketing. Hmm. Maybe I should work that in too. "Really not cut out for the world of marketing, or other fields requiring making drab things look shiny. As an anti-corrollary, is usually able to see the silver lining of most clouds, though."

Alright, that's enough of that. I'm not even sure I'm getting anywhere on my desired track (which was, if we remember, to try to capture what it's like to hang out with me). I should probaby work in "rarely shuts up unless feeling self-conscious, in which case, it's nigh-impossible to get me to speak" or something. There's something really daunting about trying to speak about yourself with brutal honesty. Western society may think it's geared towards promoting personal achievements and strong points (and hey, maybe my viewpoint is skewed) but you still come across as a self-righteous prig if you try.

I don't know if I mentionned my recent induction into the ranks of the Retail Whores, but it's happened. Just call me lilephyte, Flower Shop Lackey. It's actually a lot of fun. I was thinking I should read up on the meanings of the different flowers (although, thus far, we've mostly been going on visual appeal) for fun. I can see myself getting stressed out by the hours and, frankly, the meaninglessness of it all eventually, but for a part-time summer job (*cough* yes, "summer"), it's pretty kick-ass.

So that's all kindsa awesomeness. Somewhere on the positive side of things, I should probably mention last night's pseudo-highschool reunion but... I don't have much to say. Got to hang out with chan and some friends beforehand but once we got there... I feel like I disappeared. Didn't find myself till I was dancing amid strangers to a pretty mediocre cover band. I could complain about not really talking to the "real" person behind anyone there, but that would be hypocritical in the extreme. I don't think any of them saw me either, and especially not the me that I am now, five years later. I may be mostly the same (hello, Diaryland -- got an answer to that? ;) ) but I know for sure that some things are (in my opinion) better. I'm going to put this one down to having gone into this with the wrong attitude. Next time, if I don't gear up for battle, maybe my guard won't be up when I get there. (Side-note: guard? I have a guard? Since when??)

A little disappointed I didn't get to see kitty there, but mostly concerned about MathieEx. I know chan was pretty freaked out about him, and I'm not nearly as worried as she is, in terms of him being a danger to others (but then, chan, you were always scared-er of him that I was, neh?) but... I worry just for him. I'm hoping I can team up with kitty, now that I'm back, and maybe talk him into rehab, if not some kind of counselling. I know I can't really force him to clean up but... I worry. This is levels of self-destruction even I'm scared to see.

The combination of the worry and the disappointment likely made me not much fun yesterday night, which is rather too bad. To be honest, I was happy for the way people tried, at least for a little while, to step outside the cliques of yore, and play pretend-catch-up with everyone. Maybe I could get a (voluntary) blog directory for our year going. I know linlin's is a really good way for her to keep in touch with us non-travelling troglodites. I wonder if other people would like that kind of thing. I'll email our alumni rep and ask, I guess.

"After you're dead and buried and floating around whatever place we go to, what's going to be your best memory of earth?"
"What do you mean? I don't get it."
"What one moment for you defines what it's like to be alive on this planet. What's your takeaway? [...] I want to hear some small moment from your life that proves you're really alive."
"I've got one," says Claire.
All eyes turn to her.
"Snow," she says to us. "Snow."

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