October 29th, 21:08 | can you give someone closure?

Today has been, quite possibly, the most productive day I've had in a long time. Admittedly I didn't really do all that much. I woke up late, finished up chapter 5, ate, did chapter 6, read the related magazine articles (that's right, y'all, issues of Scientific American now constitute valid supplementary course materials for psych101) tidied, tidied more, went to yoga and came back.

I should be downstairs making gnocci dough for Thursday, but we're out of parmesan. I'm smidgy bitter that my "Yaa! Being Productive!" streak has been ruined by lack of ingredients, but it's no big deal.

I was thinking that in an effort to make me write in here semi-regularly (I'd say "daily" but even Lady Macbeth wouldn't be that ambitious), that any time I couldn't think of what to write, I'd review a movie I'd seen. I was going to do Transporter, which I watched last night, but... not really in the mood to. (Uh oh. Anyone see my brilliant plan failing already?) Instead, I'm going to write about The Ex. (Yup, he's now The Ex. Not quite sure why. Oh wait, yes I am; because he's the only one figuring relatively actively in my life, and he's the only one I'm still mildly unresolved about.)

We talked on the phone a couple weeks ago. Two weekends ago? Something like that. He'd written me a letter, early some morning while he couldn't sleep, a letter detailing all the things that bothered him, or that he never understood about me. So we went through it. And at the end of it all, I felt good because I knew what he'd been going on about for the past 8 months, and I was also serene in the knowledge that about half of the items on that list were totally there, he'd just never realized (whether through bad communication or whatever). He felt... I don't know. He sounded a little surprised, regretful. He was sorry that he'd never seen things my way, and was sad that he'd never even realized he hadn't been seeing it until that night.

So. That brings us to today, two weeks later. And? Over the course of those two weeks, a weird anger has been coiling up in my chest every time I think of him. I don't like it. I don't like anger in general, and especially not in this case, since I have nothing to be angry about. (Do I?)

I was thinking of writing him a letter. A kind of courtesy. He was straight-forward enough to do it for me, and even though I hate hacking things up and analyzing them like that, so very cold, I'm really glad he did it. It tied up a whole bunch of loose ends that had been bothering me. When we hung up, he sounded kinda lost, kinda mournful. Like he hadn't realized until then just what he'd been giving up when he told me in July that it was over. The thing is though, I don't want him back.

In the chapters I was studying today (and in the article, actually) the split-brain thing was explained. About how if you cut up the main set of nerves connecting the two hemispheres of the brain, they essentially can't talk to each other anymore, and the characteristics and functions of the two halves become really clear.

One of the things that I thought was really interesting was that the left half, the half in charge of logic and language, and "higher-level thought", if it didn't have the answer to something (like "why is your left hand pointing to the picture of the duck?") would just make up a story. Pull it out of its metaphorical ass. The right half, however, while it had difficulty with language, never lied (when it could get its message across). The way that you subconsciously pick up on details, and don't even realize. That your memory of something may be totally altered by your left brain, but if you see it in a dream, it would be the "true" memory.

When I read that, I thought of all those late night arguments with Ex. The way I could never express myself, and the way he'd rattle on about things that didn't make any sense at all to me, anything, keep talking, eventually the right answer will come out.

We needed a corpus callosum. Heh.

I'm not ready yet to tell him it's forever. I hate feeling like I'm telling someone something terrible. But, but. At least I could give him a letter. So he'll have some reasons why too.

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