August 5th, 20:25 | Role model my ass

In a weird, girly, sappy mood. PokerFiend's been reading Dune on my recommendation (score!) and I was flipping through it today. Instantly, a whole wave of wishy-washy... erh, washed over me. I remember.

RecentEx is the one who made me read his copy and I am forever grateful for that. It's an amazing book. I can't believe I don't own a copy. I remember reading it and being shocked when some until-then silent stillsuit-clad girl inside me stood up and roared "I am Chani! Come find me, Usul -- I'm your Sihaya, And I'm Waiting!!!!". Ahem. Well, it was something like that.

It wasn't a completely unfamiliar feeling. I fall in love with Chani-girls in books all the time. The Wheel of Time series? I may have liked Nynaeve and thought she was cute (although Egwene and Elaine just pissed me right the fuck off), but Aviendha was the one I wanted to be, the one I pretended to identify with, even though I know I'm a big sissy-pants who can't really compare with her at all. (Likewise with Chani. And yes, I did just say "sissy-pants".) Neuromancer? I strain to be part-Molly. The Matrix? I wish I had some of Trin's gall. Strangers In Paradise? I daydream about being as tough and kick-ass as Katchoo. Buffy from the original movie, Kat in 10 Things, even Lara fucking Croft. It might even have started with Mary Poppins.

I suppose it all seems respectable on the surface. I appreciate, admire and semi-role-model the strong girl characters I encounter. Totally normal right? Sure. Until you notice the trend. They're strong characters: independant, physically strong, usually stubborn, true, competant, capable of kicking the asses of those who wrong them All By Themselves, thankyouverymuch. But. But really, deep inside, they're hurt, or lost or lonely. Looking. And what they're looking for is A Man. Not just a man, though. They're looking for The Man Who Will Understand Them And Set Them Free. The Man They Couldn't Quite Master. That guy.

And that's when it all falls apart. Because when you see the stereotype of the women/girls/whoever I always admire... she turns out to be the same person as the heroine of every trashy romance novel. Even the plot has similarities. Is it some fundamental pattern that I (along with girls everywhere, one supposes) fall prey to? Am I just in need of therapy? Do I simply suffer from bad taste? I'm not really sure. I'm tempted to think it's my manifestation of the I-am-Jack hollowness that living in a world geared towards making everyone believe they're special, then forcing them into place like obedient little cogs produces, coupled with my somewhat rampant inability to separate fantasy from reality unless I really want to. Or something.

Oddly though, none of my role-playing characters are like that, like Her. Well... that's not true. My first one tried to be. But I never really got very far with her. Wonder what that says about me?

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