l i l e p h y t e

March 9th, 13:22 | Is this like soul-anemia?

No wonder I've been exhausted all this week.

Fighting with anyone, where the root of the argument is miscommunication, is bad enough. Doing it over IM just magnifies the problem by a thousand. (Okay, realistically, it probably only magnifies it 60-fold or something, but let's say you're at work, on the phone with someone who doesn't get what you're saying, even though you're already spelling it out in little bite-sized infochunks, and you're desperately trying to get a different point across over IM, with just as little success, all while trying not to cry because your coworkers? Are all 5 feet away from you. In that situation, it sure feels like it's a thousand times worse than just having the fight in person.) In person at least, you have all those so-important visual/aural cues (85% of communication? yeah, right there) that would cut down on the straigtening-out time of most of the miscommunication in the first place.

So I'm exhausted. I'm already woried sick about all the upcoming change in my life, I wake up rigid-cold with fear that I won't get into teaching school (because hey, what I really need right now is yet another failure, and also, what the hell would I do with myself then? my life lacks direction as it is!), I'm worried about my parents, all while making weird interim plans for the time in the middle. All the arguments and fights that bring all of my worries about practicalities down to me not having faith in a relationship or a person are just making everything worse.

Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I don't want to meet any of the friends, or their attached Others. I don't want to meet and socialize and be incorporated into everyone's circles. For the first time ever, I'm suddenly desperately afraid that I'm going to be That Girl. I'm going to be the girl that everyone says 'hi' to and is nice to, but quietly wonders why the hell The Boy is wasting his time with. I'm not sure why, but suddenly I'm terrified of being that girl that no one thinks is good enough for The Boy, and what the hell does he see in her?

Maybe it's karma for the number of times I've thought that about friends' sidekicks (although honestly, I haven't thought that too often?) or something. I don't know where this dive in self-confidence is coming from. I can feel it, even in the library with my tutorlings. Example? Behold:

So Tuesday night, I hung out with my ESL kid, who did not ask for another topic to write about for next week (this makes me sad, because she was making good progress, but I tried not to dwell, I mean, maybe she had a lot of projects due or something), and was shocked when another student came in later (when I wasn't busy) needing help in Calculus. Okay, I'm alright with English, any of the sciences, I can even fake history and geography, but I stated right out in October that I couldn't handle highschool calculus. Nonetheless, there was no one else, so I tried. Luckily for me, it was only factoring.

At the end of the night, the factoring girl understood the problem, and was happy with the session -- she vowed to come back next week. The ESL girl disappeared without asking for another writing topic, but with the corrected one from the previous week, and a somewhat murky explanation of buoyancy vs density. (Seriously, I am a capable tutor, but I don't know how to work against a language barrier.) I head off to curling, and we win our game (which means we're still in the "real" set of matches, not the consolation).

All these positive things, and you know, I didn't remember any of them until right now. I'd been focusing on the ESL girl not practising her writing this week, and how yesterday, I should have structured the reading practice differently.

I don't know what any of this means. Even though I'm doing less these days, I feel just as overwhelmed as I did in December. Maybe that's what's eroding away my sense of competence.

Whatever it is, I need to find it and deal because it's hard enough trying to motivate myself without the constant thought that maybe I should just let someone else do it, and do it better. It's completely unbearable to have to do it while completely exhausted and worn out from fighting too.

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