l i l e p h y t e

December 2nd, 21:44 | If there's a reason, it's lost on me.

Alright, so the iPod (now that I finally found it) is all loaded up with some shiny new Go Betty Go (among other things), I have approximately 97% of my Non-Clothing Gear packed up, I have approximately 25% of the addresses of the people I'd intended to write to (the other 75% of you -- stop moving, goddamnit!), and I think I may have stowed all the American money in my "in Canada" purse somewhere in the bowels of my closet. There are two half-started drinks scattered around my room, folorn, half-watered plants in three different rooms, an alarm clock not yet set for 3h30 AM tomorrow, and I still don't know what socks I'm going to wear on the plane.

I'm pretty much in full-fledged panic mode. It seemed like a good time to write. I don't know why this time is making me so nervous; I've been on trips longer than this one before. I guess, maybe because I'm hingeing so much on it.

I'm huddled up in my room trying not to make too much noise, and shivering under four different summer blankets (I donated my pouffy winter comforter to my grandma, who's staying the night so we can leave Retardedly Early tomorrow morning) which all smell like cedar. I couldn't make up my mind on a book to take, so I figured I'd finish The Second Sex. (Apparently Chan thinks I'm a femmenazi; if that's true, I'd better read up on the topic, neh?)

I've spent a lot of the past few weeks being wishful, and hopeful, angry and tired, but a lot of it was also just plodding, putting off all the things I'd have to face and feel "until the cruise". Because then I won't have anyone to call, I won't have anyone to write, and I won't have to worry about anyone talking to me either. I'm very much looking forward to the space but... I'm also terrified that I'm going to discover I'm not nearly as ready for it as I've sometimes convinced myself I am, these past three weeks.

I guess we'll see.

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