November 1st, 22:55 | Time to break out the Litany
So it's November 1st, and I'm scared. I'm scared because it's post-Hallowe'en which means I've entered the Introspective Part Of The Year, and because November this year is a month filled with deadlines. What's on my plate?
November is a month of writing madness wherein I try to get 50K words down, crap and all. Thus far I've got about 900, which is actually pretty good, all told, but this is the first day, when you're meant to be full of vim and fire, and not yet held back by discouraging thoughts like "what?! that's completely ludicrous; I'm not putting that in". At this point, I'm just hoping I never reach that stage; it's my only hope for completing the novel.
My dad's birthday is on Sunday. I know what I want to get him, but don't know when or even where I'll be able to get it for him. Fuck.
November is the last month before the deadline expires for me to apply to teaching schools in the province (for Fall '06). Yes, I'm applying. No, I don't think I'll get in (insufficient in-class experience). Yes, I'm scared of rejection.
That about sums up what's keeping my head busy these days. Fear, fear, fear. It angers me that my heart is brimming with it, though, because it never used to. More upsettingly, I can pinpoint when I started being Afraid of Things. (The beginning of my third year of university.) Try as I might though, I've never managed to overcome it, which is so ridiculous, because I Know My Fear, and I'm not scared of other things. (No seriously, I'm not. Look.)
Want me to strap my feet to a board and throw myself down a mountainside after just listening to the instructor tell me horror stories about breaking my clavicle? No problem. Climb up a rock wall with naught but string and a bored attendant holding me in the air? Done. Rappelling down ("what's rappelling?") afterwards? No fear. (Although there was rope burn.) Face up to my higher-ups at work and tell them shit no one in their right mind would say? In spite of my mental block with authority figures, I've done it. (And I'm getting better with the authority figure thing too.) Apparently I should have been a tad nervous hopping onto the back of a motorbike for the first time ever. (I wasn't; it was mad fun, just like flying.)
I just don't understand why I can't get a grip on my fear of failure when it comes to other people telling me about it. It bothers me beyond words. It's my big project for November, really. But damn, if it isn't frustrating, and hard as hell.
Last book read:
Last we checked,
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Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
Photos (200): 130
Kitty Photos (30): 40
Scrapbook (20): 1
Books (just for fun): 16