March 22nd, 10:35 | I got you

Dear Boys of the World,
Please stop trying to adopt, shelter and protect me. You have no idea what you're getting into.

I am playful
I am curious about everything
I am lazy to the point of the ridiculous
I am cute (begrudgingly)
I tear everything to shreds without even noticing or meaning to, most of the time.

You could probably handle the Ultimate Kitten nature if you could see it coming, but you never seem to. And I don't want to do it anymore. It hurts too much to see the wreckage.

I just want your company
I want you to comfort me -- just come with me
Take me there, take me with you
I can't be alone tonight
I can't trust myself tonight
Baby please don't trust me tonight

Well, it's happened. I'm at work and, thanks to a little refresh in my music from this weekend, I can not stop listening to my industrial/electronic/whatever the fuck you want to call it. I'm in a mood this morning, and I'm happy for pretty much anything that'll take my mind off it. Oh music, you two-edged thing -- so good for focussing on one emotion to the exclusion of all else... but of course, generally you only want to listen to music that fits the mood you're in in the first place. Bah to that.

I feel like talking to one of my adopted froshlings for advice. Is that warped? It feels warped. I don't know why, since he's been giving me big-brotherly (or financial advisor-ly) advice since I met him. But it does.

So what's up, you wonder? Thoughts tromping heavily through my head, and I feel like crap 'cause I skipped last night's run. (Ahoy; my life as a healthy lifestyle junkie has started.) Hung out with MathieEx this weekend. Had the great pleasure of buying a swooshy polyester hoe-down skirt. (That's right, folks. If any of you are in the area, and feel like taking me to a square dance, hey, no problem -- I've actually got something to wear now.) We had dinner and an argument, during the course of which he said two things that really caught my attention.

1. For someone who wants so badly to find people to talk to, you seem to be running away from human contact pretty hard.
Still not sure what I think about this one. To some extent, he's right. There's a definite embargo at present against letting anyone new get sidekick-class close. But what I was talking about at the time was just friends on a normal day-to-day level. And I think I'm working on that.

2. I'm a big boy; how about you let me worry about me getting hurt?
I have never been able to do this, and I'm getting the uncomfortable feeling that maybe the reason I do so much damage is because I can't just dish, and let other people deal with it. I'm always pissed off at people who don't do things because they're scared of getting hurt; it's probably unreasonable, in that case, for me to try so hard to let people down easily. Just call me the queen of slow band-aid-pulling. And all because I hate the idea of hurting people. For various reasons, this is completely backwards, and I need to stop doing it. So.

I'm currently a little disappointed in one of my work-mates. This isn't the one I was trying/am trying to rescue. (By the way, I don't know how that's going, but we're unofficially buddied up to support each other's fitness goals. (He's trying to get back into shape to run a marathon, and because I have no foresight, I joined the dragon boat team.) I may not want to actually go to a gym with a buddy, but it's nice to have someone to talk about your training endeavours with, who keeps you motivated and things, and you do the same for, etc.) No, this is the other workmate, the one I'd thought I really got on with, and that I might retain as a friend once the team has been ripped apart. Things had been good -- we used to talk, he took care of me on occasion when I was having grey days. And... that's just fallen apart, now.

The (extremely small) part of me that attended a normal North American highschool, knows how to do her eyeliner, and doesn't balk at the mall, is saying that he's dropped the effort because he realized that I wasn't doing it as a prelude to hooking up with him, and that no one normal goes about persuing friendship that way. An equally small voice is saying that it's been busy, and that maybe he just figures that I haven't time, that if I started a conversation with him, things would go back to "normal".

There is also a growing voice in me that says that he, and others like him, can go fuck themselves. I'm probably being a little harsh, but... I don't know. Something like that if it's worth the effort to try to get into my pants, but not worth the effort to befriend me, your friendship is not something I want.

Lots of BT lately, but this morning definitely belongs to hed(p.e.). Still working on that magical balance of words where I can explain to people that they're awesome, and that I like them, but that, face it, there's no romantic chemistry, or desire. I'll likely be more coherent some other time. Then again, I always say that.

All my people come on -- choose your side
You're a long way from home, but not alone
[...]
You're a long, long way from home
You're not alone -- I got you.

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