l i l e p h y t e

August 20th, 15:48 | How do you like them apples?

You know, even though I was in Bognor for about four days, and we walked to the beach at least once a day, I didn't send my message in a bottle. It was one of the "missions" in the book I'd been obsessed with and I wrote out a letter before I left. But I never sent it. (Yet?)

I watched Good Will Hunting again today. (Have I mentioned how much I love my library, and the fact that they carry movies?) It made me all sniffly at the part when he has a breakthrough in his therapy. Not at the end though (obvious, since it's supposed to be a happy ending). Mostly I got it because I was in the mood for Minnie Driver. I quite like her. Weird how I never think of her when I'm trying to think of actresses I don't hate (they are few, trust me). I'm also reading FilmGuru's screenplay. It's pretty interesting. I kind of wish he'd post it online somewhere so I could share it, but he's probably got idea-copyright issues with that or something. Sensible lad.

I admire him, him and ComicGuru both, and there's envy in there too. I'm jealous of the way they have something to write about, some Big Idea that they really want to get on paper. An idea that's big enough to carry them through an entire comic book or movie. I didn't even have enough of an idea to get my goddamn novel finished. (Chan, I'll totally help you with yours, if you want. You know, I never got to read anything other than what you posted to wakka, eh?) I sometimes wonder if that's what's wrong with me, that's what's holding me back from medschool or pharm school or whatever professional school I feel like applying to this month. Singularity of vision. It's hard to dedicate yourself years into the future when you have no One Path you really burn to follow and serve. Oh, I know what I want to do : I want to do anything that lets me help people and preferably see the result, in the relatively short-term. No one, however, can tell me the one and only one job this translates to. I have too many options, and I don't have the decisiveness or the stamina to follow through on only one for the long-haul.

So, it seems fairly safe to say that medschool isn't in the cards for me.

Is that giving up? It feels like it. ...I had more to say, but kind of lost the train of thought. It's probably just one of those bleak days. We'll see, I guess.

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