l i l e p h y t e

June 14th, 22:07 | How've you been? Keeping your nose clean?

Well. Any progress I'd made with the more frequent writing thing has been stomped and spit on. What's happened? Too frazzled and generally incapable of holding my attention still long enough to render a coherent account (just like vampires who aren't elders trying to waken a dormant one, eh?) so I'll just give you snapshots, vague bits that I remember and thoughts that stick out.

So convocation came and went. It was super fun to see people again, and my boss is so sweet -- she made me a bouquet. I'd only been working there for like two weeks! On chan's recommendation, I got my hair straightened but didn't really do anything snazzy with it. I was kind of low-key in general. It was a good day.

I'm slowly sliding into the way my hometown works -- that I can't just make plans with a 15-minute time cushion, that travel actually absorbs a whole pile of time and energy. That people aren't yelling distance from you. That I'm not in an environment where I need to work at not seeing people daily. It's hard, and I miss everyone. I'm still having issues getting myself out of my hole though. Working, working.

Playing a slow-mo game of keep in touch with some of the dons. Some new insights into what's going on with others. All sorts of weird mixed feelings about people who are going Even Further Away Than Expected. I'm not ready to grow up, and I guess it scares me that other people are.

Kind of on that note, working at the flower store with all the weddings is making me a little loopy about chan's. I'm getting all panicky (chan? I don't have to do a speech, do I??) about details and messing up the cake and stuff. Especially since she won't let me practice because she's gone all Healthy now. Yeah, I know. Apparently I alone am left standing, the citadel of bad eating habits and pure, oldschool Sloth.

So other than occasional work, tai chi, and movie-watching, what have I been doing? Not a whole hell of a lot. Haven't managed to make myself go swimming yet (although the goal is to go tomorrow morning) or really get into the jogging. I'm trying to work on shifting my cycle back enough that I can do yoga in the mornings, even if I'm working (since these days I get more morning than evening shifts). So far? Very little progress. Surprise...

Other things I've been up to? Mixed tape-making. One I made a couple weeks ago for PokerFiend as part of a cd exchange idea he had. Actually, we hung out a little while ago for a horror movie night (finally! someone who would watch The Exorcist with me!) and that was all sortsa fun. We're totally doing it again. However, since he picks the line-ups for those, it's apparently "my" turn next, so we're doing an anime night. It's really too bad this last year of being on the exec (...barely. I must have been the worst PR rep the club's seen since SpinelessEx) has sapped my enthusiasm for anime. But. We'll go with oldschool stuff, and I'll see what I can put together. I'm definitely putting in some Trigun, obviously something with robots (I'm thinking RaXephon, but not sure yet) and I'm thinking Millenium Actress for the movie.

Anyway, the mixed tape. (Am I the only one who calls "mixed CDs" "mixed tapes"? Because I totally do.) Thoughts on this one?

    Hungry Like the Wolf (cover) -- Reel Big Fish
    The Way We Get By -- Spoon
    Son of a Preacher Man -- Dusty Springfield
    Flake -- Jack Johnson w/ Ben Harper
    19-2000 -- Gorillaz
    Gold Star -- Army of Robots
    Kid A (cover) -- John Mayer
    Baby Cool Your Jets -- Jet Set Satellite
    Reflect (Gray), of Sine Waves -- Billy Corgan
    Josie and the Pussycats Theme (cover) -- Juliana Hatfield
    Is She Really Going Out With Him (cover) -- Goldfinger
    Sweet -- Lamb
    Cure for the Itch -- Linkin Park
    It's Oh-So-Quiet -- Bjork
    Love You Madly -- Cake
    One Chance -- Modest Mouse
    Wonderwall (cover) -- Ryan Adams
    Blue Hawaiian -- Pavement
    I'm Sorry I Love You -- Magnetic Fields
    Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes! -- David Bowie

It all went over really well except for Josie, apparently. Of course, PokerFiend might be lying so I don't cry at him. One never knows.

Oh. We tried baking bagels. Twice. We've been met with somewhat mediocre success. Clearly there's something I'm missing in the fine art of bagel-baking. They're sufficiently yummy that I've no issue with investing time in their perfection. Not right now though; we're out of flour.

Why do I feel like I don't know him anymore? The Boy. We talk sometimes, over IM, and... I mean, honestly, the conversations really haven't changed that much. We still talk about what's going on, what he's doing at work, things he's doing after work later in the week. Kind of surface chatter that everyone has. All of a sudden though, it feels so... surface. I kind of feel like we're permanently making smalltalk. I wonder what he thinks about, you know, when he's really thinking. I wonder what his underthoughts are, what questions he asks when he gets meditative.

And then I start wondering, if these conversations are so similar to the ones we've "always" had... have I ever known what he was thinking? All those underthoughts and secret wonders and worries -- did I ever know what they were? I thought I knew. I thought we talked about that stuff sometimes. The sudden questionning of intimacy ("People need to share things, Joel! That's what intimacy is!!") kind of scares me though. I mean, it kind of throws into relief the whole "did I ever really know the Boy??" question, and if the answer is "no" then there are two roads: one says I should have stayed with him, and we could have gotten to know each other, the other says, well, that I really shouldn't have been with him for so long if I really knew him so poorly.

I wonder if this is because I'm re-reading Microserfs now, and it's making me extra-neurotic and weird. I've been talking to him while writing this, and feel a little better about our communication. I can't say why though. Maybe I just need to be in person. I know I work better face-to-face. Especially since I lost the attention span necessary for email.

Ye gods I've got a lot to work on this summer. Anyway, that's about it for tonight. Bedtime for me.

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