l i l e p h y t e

February 9th, 16:50 | I seem to be a fan of the list-entries lately

Things that make me happy. I worked myself out of the lethargy that was threatening to eat my soul. This doesn't mean I've been productive, per se, but I'm getting better. Also, my room's clean.

Last night, against all good sense, I went to a concert and I'm so glad I did. Some of the openers were really good. (There was another guy, but he has no website.) It's really been awhile since I've listened to the folksy, rambling, accoustic, harmonic stuff. I've missed it. So that was a nice break.

Also cheering me up, although I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, is a pair of pants I bought today. They're black, fairly hip-hugging, and have ten billion strappies on them. I can't get any more precise than that, sadly: the store has no website. But they're ridiculous, and fashionable, and comfortable and I'm scared to wear them outside because the roads are so slushy. But I love them.

Things that make me sad. My utter lack of knowing what the hell I want to do with my life. This is made worse by the "*snirk*" letters from medschools, looming deadlines for pharmacy, my lack of desire to return to Workplace, despite not having any better ideas, and my parents calmly asking if there's anything I think I want to do. *sigh*

Also bothering me? What I seem to want these days. I want ridiculous amounts of attention. All the time. When did I become Huis Clos' Estelle?? I want to know for sure that someone finds me interesting, or worth the time, or wants to take care of me. It's not enough to just know that I am. Have to see it. Now. It's not healthy, it's not reasonable, it's not sensible. Since when??

To be fair, I think I'm improving a bit on that front, especially of late. But it's not something I really want as any sort of somewhat permanent fixture in my personality. I am self-sufficient, or would like to think so. And if I'm not, then it's something I should work on, Boy or no. I'm not a big fan of the idea that you're half a person until you find your other half. I much prefer the idea of two complete people who suit each other, and are a team. So yeah.

On a more mundane note, my midterm in biochem got moved up from Friday to Wednesday. Not good. Happily I'm all studied up for tomorrow's test, so I can start the crammage. Still worried. I'm angry at myself for being so lazy; I'm not sure when, early in my career here, I convinced myself that I wasn't as smart as I thought, but I was fucking wrong. My compilers course is showing me that when I care, I can master anything. It's a shame I really, really don't care about the subject matter in my biochem courses. It really bothers me that I get 80s in my cs courses while I barely pass my biochem ones, especially considering where I've applied as post-degree alternatives.

After some thinking, I understand that it's mostly the way they're teaching it (forcing memorization of small details rather than emphasizing grasp of overall concepts, and applying them to something of your choice/interest) and not so much that I no longer care to learn how people operate on the molecular level. Nonetheless, it pisses me off that I'm letting them win. I'm smarter than this. And no matter how egotistical it sounds to write that, it's fucking true. I'm smarter than I thought I was in highschool, which is saying something. And now, I have exactly one term, one course, to prove to myself that I'm not just a biochem dumbass. ...I also have two days to study for the midterm for a course which I have yet to put work into. Even if I can't change the past four years, even if I can't forget how stupid I've been by being so lazy, I can beat this one. It's go time.

Things that are keeping me distracted: Mostly music. I'm proud of myself for doing my laundry today (Finally! I'm wearing a halter because I ran out of bras and sandals due to no-sock-age; jeez.) although I've yet to water my plants. Over the weekend I was on the quest for fun playlists. The most fruitful are as follows...

As many bands (or artists) as possible that have a song entitled "Angel" -->

    Aretha, Aerosmith, Stabbing Westward, Dave Matthews Band, Sarah McLachlan, Massive Attack, Tea Party, Type O Negative,

Songs that have the word "December" somewhere in the title -->

    December, cover of Wendy/Lisa by Veruca Salt (well Nina and Jim); I think it's actually a hymn or something though.
    December, Collective Soul.
    December, Weezer.
    Long December, Counting Crows.
    My December, Linkin Park.
    Flowers in December, Mazzy Star.
    Forget December, Something Corporate.
    December, David Gray.

(If anyone's got more, hey, let me know. :) Alternate fun track listies to put together are good too. I'm the world's biggest list nerd.)

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