l i l e p h y t e

January 29th, 11:56 | where o where is my rosalind shell?

(Written last night around 1am)

I want to write, but I'm not really sure what I want to say.

I wanted to write about getting my grad photos taken. About the frantic running around to get my hair prettified (no cutting; just wash, dry, straighten, and holy static-fy Batman!!), wanted to iron my white collared shirt but they closed the room with the iron to wax the floor (argh!), the running upstairs and panic attack until one of my froshlings (who's always trying to dress me up) walked by. Practically frantic, I asked if she could help me with my make-up. If I look at all good in my grad photos, it's due to her. Well, her and my hairdresser I guess. I'm still pissed off about the Static Hair though.

Yeah. I was pretty for a day. People who saw me were like "...lilephyte...? whoa," and other such statements. (My personal favourite would have to be Ozy's "...you're a girl...") My girl froshlings all told me I looked good, which is high praise indeed. (Heh. Running into VanFroshling and The Sixth Backstreet Boy in the halls, VanFroshling merely gaped speechless (oh, I was in a skirt, also) while TSBB commented that I was "hawt". My froshlings crack me up.) It kind of makes me wonder why people think make-up looks so good though. I thought I looked rather artificial. Mehn.

...I don't really want to write about all that though. I'm sitting here listening, alternately, to Thursday and sappy, heart-broken Girl Music. It's as though I'm trying to carry the mood of all the people who are under relationship stress these past couple days. Which makes no sense -- it's not my problem! Argh. Did I always used to be this spongelike? That I just pick up and amplify the mood around me? While I suspect that the answer is "...yeah, kinda," I'm seriously beginning to wonder. I do hold the opinion that my time at university has made me squishier and more sensitive to everyone around me. While I do like that aspect of myself... I can see that it's kind of ridiculous to have too much empathy.

World to lilephyte: learn to deal with your own problems. Then take on everyone else's.

I don't want to write about my day.

I'm scared. Scared that this relationship with the Boy will end, scared that it would be better for it to end. I'm scared that I'm making decisions in my life based on the desire to not be alone, rather than the desire to be with someone. (My infamous "running away vs running to" argument.) I'm scared of the way I feel like pop songs are singing Right At Me... when I know I'm just in a blue state because of the stress and slew of break-ups around me. I'm scared of the way I listen to Elvis Fucking Costello's "I Want You" (damn you!) on repeat and it makes me shiver. I'm scared of the way I have no idea what it is I want to do with the rest of my life, and the way I seem to rely on my "entourage" of friends in Kingston. Since when am I so averse to being by myself? I can tell myself it's because it's not true solitude; I live in residence after all. I have no idea if it's true or not though -- and next year I'll most likely move back in with my parents. Do I really want that?? Have I moved past that? I'm scared of the way I feel lonely sometimes, and seem to just really need other people to assure myself that I am of some worth. Is this part of my squishification? That I no longer have any sense of self-worth?? When did I become so afraid of my own opinion?

I'm scared that I'm becoming one of the people I feel sorry for on a daily basis. I'm scared that I'll lose myself trying to fit everyone else's needs. That doesn't sound exactly right, but it's the closest I can come to it.

...and right when I want to call it quits and hop in bed, the snowplough arrives to do our road. I'm tired of running in the cold, of daring myself to walk on the ice at night when I want to stop thinking. I'm tired of hiding by talking to someone else, and hoping they'll make it all better. I'm scared that I don't actually like who I am. I'm scared that I'm not sakti anymore, that I haven't been for a long time, and it's just that it's taken me a really long time to notice.


(On a completely unrelated note, they're bringing back my hero. Well, okay, not actually, since my hero would be Godzilla or something. But I mean, that on top of yesterday's discovery of the new Samurai Jack game coming out? It's a good sign... right?)

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