l i l e p h y t e

January 16th, 01:31 | Maybe.

Feeling lost and spinny. Too much happening, too fast, not sure where to turn, not sure what I want to say, what I want to do, what I want to happen. School is slipping by, so fast, so fast, and I know I'm not keeping up, but it feels slow (oh, projects; deceptive, deceptive-tricky) and I can't seem to find focus anywhere. I spent the night in the lab trying to work on homework, and ended up working on something completely different from what I'd intended. Circuits and digital logic, which always made sense before, all turned around, hiding behind shitty software, made my head hurt, made no sense. The boy was out with his boys, he'll be here tomorrow night, when I'm busy with ten million things I've said I'll do. And anime, anime, anime, anime. Where a club member died, and we need to have a minute of silence. I don't even know what to say, what to think. I hear songs in my head (may angels lead you in) washing over me, it just makes me sadder, and sadder. Why couldn't I do something? Who was this person? So much pain. I don't want to have to deal with it, with telling the other members, greeting the blank stares, asking for a minute of silence and having everyone do a half-assed, no-hearted job of it. I want to break into song, heart-rending and shaming, and I didn't even know this guy. I just want people to care. It doesn't even matter anymore. It doesn't matter what, it doesn't matter why. I'm so lost in this sea of apathy, totally disoriented. I leave my floor for a night, try to work, randoms talk at me, borrow my book (not even mine) and hog it for the night -- I needed that goddamned textbook! Do you realize how nice I am?? -- and I just drown it all out with music, switch cds, keep switching, keep going. Headphones, fleece scarf, get lost in the night ice. All the building warm-cuts closed for the night, and the wind shelters me until I hit the road leading to the lake, where it just pelts me until my forehead aches from the cold, until I'm home. Home, home, where my boys informed me at dinner that I was "delightfully mad", where they know I'm a big nerd at heart, and dress frumptastically, and am a big pop-culture dorky grandma, but share their lives anyway, come talk to me, visit, share, are happy. They don't complain when I feed them cookies and candy, tell them to bundle up and send them to bed when they have colds. They let me nurture them and care and love them, and some of them even love me back. I'm never warm these days except when I'm in res. My floor keeps me warm, and the whole outside is starting to scare me. I don't understand why anyone's doing anything, because suddenly my old happy, naive reasons don't make sense, but I don't want to believe the ones my cynical side comes up with. (I didn't used to have a cynical side... did I?) I'm dreading dealing with any more of it, the blank faces in my classes who don't care, who somehow manage to dilute and cheapen the interest and care of true friends who see me, peering hazily at the world from a million miles away and tease and ask me what the hell is going on. I'm never serious after all. Finding myself listening to Adema, KoRn, Three Days Grace, for fuck's sake, all with Jimmy Eat World chorussing in the back of my head, almost afraid I won't be able to sleep. Almost. Because there's never any doubt of that. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up to a different world.

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