December 18th, 04:54 | almost afraid to move

I don't want to sleep. I don't want to miss out on the consciousness of enjoying the way the snow is sparkling in the road (even if I can't be out in it, due to being on-call). To revel in the very, very few lights on in the other res buildings. To talk to the occasional night-owl on icq. I want to watch the sun rise (if only I could be out on the lake!), and actually make it to breakfast at the caf (I'm already hungry? weird), come back to say goodbye to my frosh, and go to bed. Wake up to the afternoon streaks, dress up, and hit the reception tomorrow night, and improv. I should probably start packing too. Hmm.

It's been a good day. It's felt like Friday for the past couple weeks, so that's meaningless, but today felt like Friday for finality and closure reasons. It's just been very tidy. I'm happy.

I had my last exam today. It could have been better. But by this point, I really just wanted it all to be over. I'll no doubt be disappointed when I get my marks, but I know that in general my stamina for this kind of thing is pretty low. I've since learned that trying to uphold it when my entire floor is mirroring my mood is just impossible for me. Thankfully it could also have been worse. So that's good... right?

I got a card in the mail from the Boy! I never get real mail! I also got a free muffin and coffee thing, but that's not nearly as cool. ^_^ Things are okay, I think. We're both disappointed that this break won't be perfect -- we both wanted too many things for the available time I guess. It's sad, but as he says, we'll have lots more Christmases. I can't wait.

I can't believe I'm really leaving. Even for a couple weeks. I seriously am not ready for it. I want to go do my mountain of unwashed dishes *right now*, go water my plants so they'll be okay while I'm gone, pack my clothes, go Christmas shopping for my parents. What the hell have I been doing with my time??

MetallicBoy should be renamed. I've no doubt this recent bout of niceness was just in response to my letter, and that if not tomorrow, then next term it'll return to the way it was. When that happens I shall take chan's advice (along with almost everyone's) and just stop putting effort in. Seriously. You guys, back me up. For now... I think Ozy. Not like the singer. Like Ozymandias.

I've spent the day relaxing, and the night watching the three Evil Dead movies. (Again.) I still maintain that Evil Dead 2 is the best of the three. I will gladly have an argument (to the... getting sick of it!) with anyone who's going to argue for Army of Darkness. Come on, punk, try me.

I followed it up with Drive Me Crazy (because I didn't feel up to High Fidelity just then, and even though I do now, I should probably hit the sack sometime soon) and that left me feeling kind of mopey and wistful and longing, the way it always does. But oh, I love that movie. Love, love, love it. The Boy has some serious catching up to do in terms of movies that I love, quote from/reference constantly and am likely to watch over and over and over. Frankly, he'll have to deal with it sooner or later, so I say we break him in now.

...yeah. Thinking about small details, stupid things. Wish I had some kind of gaming console (or game installed on my machine) to play so I could practice and not suck at at least one. Thinking about my jacket, and the crests/bars I have for it... that I've had for four years now, and if I should get them sewn on here or in Toronto. About how to do my hair for tomorrow night's reception and what to write Mattsy and whether or not he still remembers me from over a year ago. About how much I miss (tabletop) gaming and how much I want to try joining the climbing club (fun, builds upper body strength, gives me permission to climb the campus buildings) and how bitter I am I never made it out to trampoline or juggling club practices. Thinking that if I were to watch another movie right now, High Fidelity would be the perfect one for my mood. Wish I had the Boy with me, and maybe some milk (for cereal -- I'm hungry) and that we could go for coffee after and do the crosswords, before heading back and curling up for bed. Thinking about how watching the movie would be fun, but I'd be afraid of waking up VanFroshling, who lives right outside the common room.

Besides, I'm almost afraid to move, for fear of ruining this mood, this moment, this feeling. It's beautiful still, and yet with my eyes closed I can almost feel the soft rush, like the world inhaling. I like the picture of the world as one big, soft being, curled up and warm and breathing softly as it sleeps. I want to curl up with it and join this bed-y slumber everyone looks so peaceful in but at the same time... I don't want to move for fear of disturbing it or missing out. (Or of getting an elbow in the face, as the case may be...)

Can barely believe I'm not even that tired. I'll no doubt collapse tomorrow. Must make a point of napping. In the meantime though... I think I'll make a couple more magnets...

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