September 11th, 16:59 | update thingie

I'm living the kind of life people make movies about. (Well, almost.) I'm in my last year at university. It's right next to a gorgeous lake, and I spent the afternoon studying down there (and by "studying" I mean repeatedly writing out Mandarin characters trying to cram them into my brain whilst intermittently swatting away crazed wasps and staring out at the lake), I love my classes, which are all done by 2:30 every day of the week (as a science student, I'm still reeling from the free time resulting from having no labs), I'm a don with a very kick-ass floor, I know where everything on-campus is, and I'm in the position I want in my favourite club. Because one of the caf's isn't open, we have this meal equivalency thing at Subway (or Pizza Pizza) so I get to eat lots of those without paying for them, and the weather's been gorgeous for weeks.

My life is amazing.

It doesn't feel right though. I only feel half-here. And that sucks. There's a bunch of courses I can't take due to conflicts, etc., and it's adding to my overall sense that I've missed out on my experience here. So many clubs I never joined, so many profs I never really got to know, so many cool courses I didn't get to take. Four years has not been enough. And technically, this is my fifth year, since I was working last year. I'm sad to be here without all the people I remember, who've know graduated, and without chan and linlin and everyone else to talk to.

It hurt so much to walk around on campus at the beginning. So many familiar places, such a familiar feeling. The shadows of some buildings at 2am and the quiet of the student centre. I slipped over campus trailed by a faint memory of having been these places under different circumstances before. A midnight tour of campus with MathieEx when I tried to explain why I loved Queen's, and countless nighttime wanderings with RecentEx. I associate so much of the campus to times spent with him. That makes it extra hard. Not so hard now; the Boy will be here tomorrow and I can't wait. My room's too big and empty without someone to share it with.

I miss my sister terribly. In a strange limbo where I don't really know what her time schedule is, but my timing sucks, and I suck at writing. Bleh.

One of my frosh asked me (after finding out I was in fourth year; they all seem surprised at this -- one kid on another floor refused to believe I was a don) what I was planning to do after school. I believe I *snirked* at him. Amongst other things, my year at Work taught me that money isn't what I want. It'd be nice to look down my nose at the assholes from my highschool (oh! story re: highschool in a second) at reunions and whatnot, but I'd rather make them seethe my way. The stuff I want isn't power and money. I want to have fun. I want to be with the Boy and have lived elsewhere. I want to backpack New Zealand, and one day China. I want to know that at least I haven't lost all my French like they probably have. I want to know that unlike the frou-frou bitchchicks who got married right out of highschool, when we eventually wed, it's going to last. I want to live far away from the city somewhere quiet that my kids will hate, so they can have some fucking quiet when they need it. I want to shake them with my equanimity. Because for the past... more than a year, every other thought in my head has been "I have to balance that," and I'm not sure when it started, but it's true.

Stories about highschool folk. I got joined in the caf by a random who remembers me from our highschool. He was five grades below me, but was part of the drama tech crew, so we talked about that stuff for a bit. Second weirdness; one of my frosh brought a whole troupe of people in and one girl paused by my door and said "You were MathieEx's girlfriend, right?". So strange, these froshies.

Although my energy's a little better, 5-ish seems to be a dead zone for me. Totally in need of a nap. Quickie anime pre-showing tonight at the coffee shop, and I think I'm going to turn in early. Could use some sleep. Trying to pull too many things together for the frosh, and I think it's starting to tell. Worried again for school, but not so much as I was before. Strange. It's not that I've stopped caring -- if anything I care more, and I love my courses. I think somewhere I just decided that if I don't believe it'll be impossible I'll have a better chance of kicking this year in the pants and then I'll be free.

...I just have to figure out what I want to do with all that freedom.

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