July 10th, 18:47 | rainy afternoon thoughts

I have a theory about personas. Namely the ones I adopt. I mean, maybe it's just something that all guys say to their girls. Maybe it's just something inherent to the type of guy I like. (Note: does that mean I have a "type"?) Maybe I'm imagining it. But at some point, they usually end up saying something along the lines of "you're so the girl for me".

My theory involves friendship and mind-reading. I mean, most of the guys... ahem, all of the guys I've dated, I've pretty much been friends with. I usually get to know them pretty well in that sense. According to my sister, they usually "befriend" me because they're hoping something will happen. My theory is that somewhere in all that friendship I somehow manage, subconsciously perhaps, to figure out what their ideal girl is. She's usually not that far off from the everyday me. And when we date, I can modify, tweak, become her. Try her on for size. Keep adjusting, and gauging reactions till I think I've got it right. Then I play her for whoever it is I'm with.

That sounds really awful, and like a lot of pretense, but it isn't, really. Because for the most part (as far as I can tell) the changes aren't even conscious. I just become that way. And it's not bad. Nothing really fundamental to my personality changes. Just surface stuff. Frills. It's like slapping a new coat of paint on a fence. However superficial the change though, I must eventually get sick of it. At least, that's what I figure. Why else would I break up with guys who, a couple months beforehand, I'd seen no major conflicts or problems with?

So I'm wondering where that leaves me with Boy. I mean, I love him. I love the way things are, and especially when I'm with him. I've never really felt so settled, so soon in a relationship. But... what if I get sick of who I semi-become around him (because I'm sure I do, at least a little bit)? It's a depressing thought. I much prefer to think that maybe I've finally found a version of me I won't get sick of. Maybe?

Someone on the phone just said "Now... before I get you off," at me to ask another question. Heh. Alright, I think the fact that I found that funny just shows that I'm full of meatball sandwich (dinner!) and there is insufficient blood toddling about my brain.

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