l i l e p h y t e

March 17th, 16:44 | No, I am *not* Irish for a day.

I'm feeling ridiculously blue right now, and not even for a good reason. A couple weeks ago NewCoworker came to replace one of the girls who left. (You may remember that I organized a dinner to celebrate her new job elsewhere in the company. Or not. I mean, jeez, no one on my team remembers...) Anyway, so he's a bit younger, say 26-ish (his birthday was yesterday, actually), and he's somewhat geekier than the rest of the team (like me), all over the gritty details (like me), likes anime (like me -- actually more than me), still remembers what it's like to be an undergrad, basically.

Before you start rolling your eyes and feeling sorry for The Boy, I don't have a crush on him. I'm happy he's here, because it's nice to have someone a little closer to me in mentality, but... no. It's not that at all. Anyway, we chat and stuff, and generally get along better, because some things really are age-driven, and we have the same general interests. But. He's pretty aloof, and I get the feeling he's one of these people who goes to work and enjoys it but doesn't really share with the coworkers. It's strange. Like being up against a wall of ice, then occasionally falling through into an actual person. You get up, dust off, are all happy and start walking forward to try to shake hands or whatever, and walk smack into the ice again.

Anyway, I just came off one of the "fall through, dust off, get up" phases, and am now rubbing my face where I walked into the ice. It's seriously messing with my self-image. I have big enough problems with people liking me as it is. I mean, in general, I could care less what people think. But with friends of friends (especially the friends I like), and coworkers, I'm quite to prone to brief flashes of panic flooded with the sudden thought "[He/She/It] hates me." which makes my blood run cold. I then generally spend the next minute or two reassuring myself that I'm being unreasonable, and stupid, and blatantly ignoring factual reality, etc. (That's cognitive self-therapy, yo.) No matter how many times I analyze it, or how many different ways I try to train myself out of it, though, I can't seem to make them stop. There's no real reason for it; I just really don't like the thought of anyone not liking me for no particular reason. I mean, if it were personal in some way, that would probably be okay. But the idea of someone just not liking me on general principle, or because they don't know me just really, really upsets me. Yes, evern though I know it shouldn't.

But. That wasn't the point of this entry. The point is that, for all he's kinda anal about some things, and pretty reticent in general, NewCoworker's a nice guy and it'd be nice if I could relax a little around him (so he'd be on the same level as the rest of my team). This whole oscillation between (what I consider) "normal" and "Ice Fortress Of Aloofness" is really wearing on me though.

He hates me. Pooh.

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