January 31st, 09:41 | Foggy morning

Had a really, really strong urge to drop my paper diary and start my Kogepan one. I wonder if that's a kind of metaphor for my attitude towards everything. Sometimes I just get sick of everything, and just want to start again. It's partly a new year thing, but partly just... escape, Phoenix-style. I just want to torch the past and start afresh.

This is horrible because it also includes people. Sometimes, I just get so tired of everything around me, and I want to get away from everything, including all the impressions, and opinions, all the stories and bullshit that builds up with people who are in that hazy zone between "acquaintance" and "friend". It's a little bit sad, and pretty cold. There's about five people (not related to me by blood) that I would never, ever want hacked out of my life. But others? Fair game. It's no wonder I have so many distinct, small friend circles. When I can't take it anymore, I go splash in a different one. Sucks. I wonder what that says about me as a person. I don't wonder very hard though, because I don't really want to know. I'm sure it can't be anything good.

Someone just told me I'm wonderful. I think I appreciate it? Well, as much as I can appreciate comments sprung out of the gratitude of someone who was lost, and then had the way lit up for them by a complete stranger. I like my job because even though there's a lot of mean people, it's like they're paying me to do good deeds. Kind of. :) Everyone needs something to believe in.

So I'm here at work, in cords, a blue tank top, a white kind of sweater thing, and no bra. Oh yeah, I'm a rebel, baby. (I'm also wearing gloves whilst typing because it's freaking cold in here.) My reason for not wearing a bra this mornin? (Because, as much as I recommend people de-slaving themselves by not strapping on the restraining device every morning, I do feel kind of uncomfortable walking around a swanky marketing building full of business partners without one. Even if I never quite make it up to the required dress code. One day I'll walk in in actual business dress. They'll be shocked.) Right, so this morning, I got up, extremely reluctantly. It's like my body just got fed up with me and really pounded home the message "Oi, this is your host. You haven't gotten enough sleep in at least three months, and we're fucking revolting against this abuse. Now hand me that fucking toothbrush." So yeah, it's been a pretty blar day. Want to curl up in bed, with lots of flannel and a steamer, and then sleep. Lots of soft, creamy colours and textures and such. (Wow. Never realized what a kinesthetic person I was; always thought I was primarily visual.)

I spent last night scheduling, working out which chapters I'd need to read by when, and when I'd have time for everything. I have four different schedules, and I've managed to make them all work together, kind of. The good news is that after March I won't have any psych essays.

At any rate, I realized that the amount of work I'm doing leaves me no time for anything. Seriously. I don't have time for gaming, I barely have any for breathing, or the mandatory screw-about-online-ness that I can't sleep without. Very bad time to be getting into something, neh?

Last night saw me crawling into bed wishing I'd never started anything in Ottawa. I'm just not in an optimistic mood these days. What I really want is for everyone to be uber-understanding and not get mad if I disappear for three months, then not be totally against me trying to catch up over summer. That's what I want. And I know it's a lot to ask for.

Bleh. It doesn't help that I'm looking forward to a bagel I put together for the sole purpose of trying to get rid of the cream cheese. Seriously. My parents accidentally bought lite cream cheese; it's the nastiest stuff ever, just like plastic. It's gross. I don't understand the point of "light" food. Either eat, or don't. Blah!!!

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