l i l e p h y t e


October 26th, 00:52 | stupid, stupid lethargy.

I am officially the laziest person in the world. Really. I mean, how long have I been saying I'll redo this page, and pretty-fy it? And this is me we're talking about; I used to breathe redesigns. Gah. It's pissing me off. No resolve about anything.

Feeling lost. Every day gladder I took this year internship -- and I freely admit that it was to forestall graduation for a little while -- because now I'm actually thinking about Life Post-Grad. And I have no idea what I want. Me. The girl who knew, from grade seven onwards that she had two chosen fields in life: pharmaceutical research or pathology (clinical or forensic; I'm easy).

It's disorienting. I'm kind of in shock. But not the kind of shock that shakes most people and settles them in reality. I spent tonight re-reading the fourth Harry Potter book. Instead of my psych. I have an essay due in a week in a bit, and I'm not even done the reading yet. A million things I want to do; brush up on my Mandarin, re-teach myself Russian, start reading in French again. Install the new Debian on Quincey, teach myself php, fix up this damn diary, start my magazine. *sigh* Why can't I do it?? Why am I so tired?

The cram course is coming up. I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to sign up. It's expensive, but that's not what's holding me back. The truth is, I really doubt I'll get into medschool. It's a weird, disorienting thought. And I can think about teaching, about marketing, even about Techline; about the million and one jobs I could totally be happy with. But. None of them are...what? Not my dream so much as what I've always expected. Not what I'm used to wanting, I guess.

My aunt, who came up from New York for the Infamous Road Trip To Agawa, after listening to me ranting about being PR for the anime club, suggested that after I graduate I do an MBA. Her logic was that I had the drive and energy to organize projects; that I liked it, poured my soul into it, and that I was good at it. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't. But it occured to me that I've no idea what people do with MBAs. I would very much enjoy a job that consisted of me setting up projects and running them. (Well, to some extent; I'm pretty anal-retentive and would probably have major clashes with people on how to get them done if Their Way isn't up to my standards. See lilephyte's past experiences with lab partners for details.)

So I guess my first course of action should be to figure out what this degree actually is. But then what? I mean, I can barely get myself out of bed early enough to stretch, a relatively simple resolution, eh? How am I going to motivate myself through this one?

It's so frustrating! I know I wasn't much of a person for following through on projects I started even Way Back When, but at least I got started on them! Ideas actually got off the drawing board occasionally! When did this total piscean lethargy set in?? I hate it! It's driving me crazy because I can't even fight it.

I'm tempted to say I'm lost, but I know it's not true. I know exactly where I am. I don't know where I'm going, that's true, but I get the uncomfortable feeling that it's only because I'm too lazy to read the damn map. And I'm angry at myself for it.

I will change this.


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