October 17th, 12:21 | SuperGiantCarpetBugFromHell
Alright, the following is a (slightly edited) exerpt from an IM conversation chronicling last night's encounter with... a giant bug (species pending whilst I skitter about online.)
lilephyte: Okay, so there I was, all tired out from shopping with my cousin, then dropping by our GM's for chattism, when I got home.
lilephyte: So like all sensible people, I brushed my teeth, got into my jammies, and sat down in front of pookie.
[Ed. Note: Pookie is my desktop]
lilephyte: So I was all happy reading my comics (can you believe I hadn't until then???) and then this monstrous form crawls through my peripheral vision.
story_victim: (no I can't believe it)
lilephyte: I turn, all horror-stricken, look down, and there's fucking Bugzilla on the carpet, meandering. I go into instinctive "eek! bug!" mode, my feet are up on the chair within microseconds.
lilephyte: I watch as it turns away from the closet (which is directly across the wall from my bedroom closet -- this is important) and heads towards the other desks and goes to hide under the blue thing.
[Ed. Note: cut out large waffling wherein it was established that "blue thing" refers to my router.]
lilephyte: So I'm sitting there, looking around for slippers, shoes, paper, newspapers, mags, anything to kill it with. Nothing. I'm in a room full of...what?? Gah.
lilephyte: So then it starts wandering, all calm-like, taking its time (impudent bug!!!!) back towards me.
lilephyte: At this point, I climb up onto the desk and watch it crawl under my chair, and just sit there. It was mocking me!!!!
lilephyte: So I climb back onto the chair, which prompts it to scurry away, into the mess of cabling behind pookie. Gah.
lilephyte: At this point, I decide that my level of patheticness has reached peak levels, so I leave to go get a shoe. I found one, came back, and to my horror, couldn't see TurboBug anywhere in the mess under my desk.
lilephyte: So....I start pulling everything away from the wall, so I can look for it. I rearrange half the room this way. To my horror, again, peripherally, I see it marching across the floor -- from behind me! -- once again from the blue thing end of the room.
lilephyte: I jump up onto my chair and drop the shoe. It crawls up to my desk, and sits for about a minute.
lilephyte: In this time, PseudoBrother, who was mysteriously online, coaches me and tries to exhort me to action ("Alright, now Kill It!!!!" "I can't!!!! It's huge!!!!!!!" "Well, you need to do something!" "But it's HUGE!!!!!!!!")
lilephyte: I worry that the monster is actually bigger than the shoe (no, but it was big -- it was two inches long!!!!!) and start gingerly climbing down from the chair.
lilephyte: At this inopportune moment, the thought strikes me, right in my limbic system (where all your drives (i.e. fear and primal panic) are centred in the brain; aww, yeah, baby, psych 100 worked for me) and I think...."What if there are others??"
lilephyte: It is at this moment that BugFromHell chooses to galivant merrily off around the other side of the desk. I decide that I have to try now or never. So I jump over and am about to squish it (well, or try, I mean, it's a carpeted room) when it veers to the left and charges into the closet!!! You could hide corpses in that closet! I would never have found it!!!!!
lilephyte: So I sit back in my chair, hoping it'll crawl back out again.
lilephyte: PseudoBrother has, in the meantime, gone to sleep, completely disgusted at my uber-girliness and lack of ability to commune with nature.
lilephyte: So I'm there, trying to relax with comics. No. I try reading blogs. No. I try reading something really boring like the comments on slashdot. No.
lilephyte: My hands are shaking at this point. The shoe is on top of my monitor. I keep glancing fearfully at the closet, hoping it'll reemerge. It doesn't.
story_victim: it was like 3am by then?
lilephyte: I resign myself to the fact that I'm going to have to try to sleep, surpressing images of holes in the wall between that closet and the one in my room.
lilephyte: (it was about 2)
lilephyte: I march into my room, (the floor of my closet is just as packed with crap, so I didn't bother searching) I scan *everything* anywhere near my bed, pile all the covers on the side, and proceed to sleep without covers.
lilephyte: 3am, I wake up frozen, near-screaming from bug-related nightmares, and reluctantly pull the covers on, curled up in fetal position. I wake up four hours later, groggy, scared to stretch out in case I kick TurboBug, unable to get out of bed, in case I step on TurboBug, unable to sleep because of nightmare visions (of TurboBug).
lilephyte: I'd like to point out that not once did I scream throughout the whole ordeal.
story_victim: it's only a bug!
lilephyte: It is not!!! It's Bugzilla!!!!!
story_victim: no, bugzilla is software
lilephyte: *rolls eyes*
lilephyte: Fine! It's SuperGiantCarpetBugFromHell, okay?
story_victim: 2 inches?
lilephyte: (You're right, though. Any zilla-related creature would have to be good. It was most definitely evil.)
lilephyte: LONG?? YES!!! I'm a city girl, remember????
lilephyte: We get Nature in small packages!
story_victim: so what you're saying is you need a man to kill big bad bugs at night, is that it?
Two things may be concluded from this:
I really don't have the presence of mind to deal with Arthropods Of Unusual Size, especially late at night, and should never, ever be expected to combat anything large, leggy and icky.
I am a model of non-homicidal patience with the male species. Especially since story_victim's manhood is still intact, and he has not been maimed in any way.
I suppose another conclusion from this episode is that really, I lead an incredibly dull life. But it really was scary folks. Big. Ew.
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