September 29th, 10:42 | godzilla vs. king kong? Please.

Should have taken care of this quite awhile ago. But, better late than never. (Even though it's highly doubtful she reads this.) Presenting my...

Open Letter To Marn About Why Godzilla Would So Pooch King Kong's Furry Mammalian Ass In A Death-match.

Evolution my ass. How many medieval horror stories, or tales of great bravery came up out of humans scared in their little tinder-villages of one fairly big dragon? The Hobbit alone deals with the slaying of an old dragon to get treasure. And that took the work of one Hobbit, a whole mess of dwarfs and Gandalf (possibly a greater wizard than Merlin -- I mean, the guy could make dragon-shaped fireworks for Pete's sake). You are not about to suggest, surely, that reptiles, who have long held the title of "Scariest Frickin' Beasts On Earth" have some kind of evolutionary stronghold over our feces-flinging monkey cousins? Please.

If we move away to a less European view of dragons though, there's also the widely-held Asian belief that dragons, being so incalculably old, are possessed of great wisdom and insight. Wisdom may translate to fortune cookie sayings for some of you, but I figure any creature that's been kicking around on earth for that long must also have picked up some mad strategic pointers too.

So, we have the time-honoured, oft-attested-to Uber-Scariness factor, and With Experience Comes Great Wisdom and Mammalian Butt-Kicking Strategy for Godzilla. King Kong has... the benefit of knowing he's the biggest ape on the planet? Right.

The directors of King Kong vs. Godzilla may have chosen the ambiguous ending to protect the sensitivities of all you monkey-fans out there, but regardless, I can sleep at night knowing that in the Real World, Godzilla would have been having a tea party on King Kong's carcass by now.

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