September 24th, 4:03 | Happy belated moon festival and equinox and things

I wear a chain around my neck. It's light, it's silver. There's a jade pendant in the shape of a half-peach, half-pear. (I don't really know what it is, but it's supposed to be a protective ward of some sort.) I wear it mostly to make my mom happy (see protective comment above); I dislike jewelry, but I've gotten used to the jade pendant. Most days, I even think it looks pretty.

Back when we were dating, RecentEx would draw me. He wasn't very good at that kind of thing, but I mean, compared to me, anyone's got mad artistic skills. And it was fun, and intimate. He would draw me naked. And in his drawings, you could see the light line, for the chain, and the pendant, sort of nestled on my decolletage.

(Every time we did, and every time I look at the pictures (yep, I've still got the drawings), I think of the scene in Titanic when Leo draws the nekkid Kate. Except with us, it wasn't a kind of daring come-on so much as a kind of gentle trust. I'm pretty self-conscious, so sitting somewhere naked for any amount of time and having someone look at me continuously and draw me was quite the achievement. Yeah, I know, I'm a priss.)

Anyway, as you know, we've since broken up. And I've made a mistake. Not a very serious one, thankfully; I'm glad I've learned something.

This weekend I went to Ottawa. I met Roo. We've been talking over email/icq for about nine months. We're friends through a mutual friend (and Roo's online board thing). We used to rant at each other about how silly women were, and lots of stuff. Cabbages and kings. We flirted jokingly. It was fun.

When we hung out, I had a great time. He seemed kinda quiet, and I guess he wasn't feeling very outgoing that weekend. But he seemed to be making an effort to speak up (yeah, I can be pretty demanding in person).

At one point, fairly soon before I left, Roo told me a story. He got me to play a character for him, and his character gave mine sweetpeas; not real ones, imaginary ones -- flowers that would last forever. I stood looking up at him -- it's the first time in a long time that I can remember being able to look a relative stranger straight in the eye without feeling self-conscious -- and we were kind of just staring into each other's eyes while he talked.

It was a very NLP thing. And I knew that even while I was looking up at him. But it's weird; like the way in movies, everything around you disappears a little and you only really see and hear that person.

And I wondered whether or not he was interested. Whether he was just explaining the point we've been talking about in our emails or not. And I spent yesterday agonizing over it. (Foolish girl.)

Today, we were chatting and he started another chapter in his story. His character stood over mine and looked into her eyes. And reached out for her. No words, only touch. Kiss.

I've been wearing this pendant since before I dated MathieEx. I've taken it off less than 5 times in all these years. Until today. When part of the pendant clasp broke and it came off in my hand.

A sign of something?

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