September 8th, 00:05 | happy roshashanah/weekend recap

In an effort to make this clearer than my last diary, I'm going to (metaphorically) talk slower and explain stuff. And stuff. You know. All narrative-like. Right.

So Thursday was the Cabbage Town Festival Pub Crawl and my brother (who I haven't seen in a long time, and is finally in Toronto on co-op term again) and I decide to head down there and join Chan's tour. It was fun. The food was yummy (well, apart from some very bizarre, dried-out fries at the first pub we hit) and in general a good time was had. (To be fair, my brother seemed a little unnerved and quieter than usual (!) but he's got a lot on his mind these days.)

Anyway, the point of my story was to point out that I love Chocolate Martinis, having now tried them. I'm tempted to say they're my new favourite drink. They probably are. Not as chuggable as Brown Cows (former favourite drink -- just like chocolate milk!) but still definitely yummy. (I am such a girl.)

Feeling pretty down. Spent the afternoon watching High Fidelity, and then tonight curled up on the couch watching Drive me crazy. Before you all walk away disgusted at my taste in movies I need to point out that I was feeling crampy and quiet, and that sometime Thursday night I decided that this was going to be a quiet weekend, and that I wasn't going to be around anyone that it required massive outfluxes of energy to be around.

(Maybe I should explain that. It's a little like when you do want to be with people, but not people that you find it draining to be around. Not that anyone likes being around people they find draining, per se, but some people are just easier to Be with than others. They read you better, understand you with less explaining-related effort, etc. That kind of stuff. Don't have to be on your guard, don't have to break through any defences. No outward-projected energy.)

Anyway, so yeah. This "minimize outward energy" thing also applied to movies today. So, no deep, cultivated movies for me, and in all likelihood, something I've seen before (yes, I've watched both those movies more times than I can count).

As it turns out, they're both RecentEx movies (because, let's face it, half the fucking video store probably qualifies as a movie that RecentEx and I watched together over and over) and I love them both. Yes, even the crappy, sappy, teeny-bopper one. Because it's sweet, and some parts are witty, because I like The Donnas, "Chase" is pretty hot, I like "Dulce"s hair and because there are some pretty good side-plots/character intrigues sprouting off in every direction. Every time I watch it I feel sad, a little nostalgic, and very wistful. Sometimes in a good way, mostly in a depressed way. But it's still comforting.

At any rate, spending the afternoon watching the John Cusack flick (we both love John Cusack) with High Fidelity newbies really hit home. I miss RecentEx. I miss him painfully, and in a way that doesn't make any sense. I know, with all of me, that we're broken up, and that if we weren't we'd still be fighting over all the same old things, but I miss him. Almost in a good way. I miss the way we liked the same movies, and could curl up together eating KD out of a pot (I use a fork, he uses a spoon) watching the same movies over and over. The way he played with my hair and let me sleep in his lap, or the way he was so happy to curl up in mine. The way we fought over the blankets.

I miss having someone who knows all the small details, even if they haven't got the big ones worked out yet. You know, who knows what toothpaste I use, who doesn't mind my compulsive re-arranging of things that are just fine the way he messed them up. Someone who knows which cupboard I put everything in. Someone to curl up against late at night, and to cuddle up to in the sunshine.

I don't really want to be with him again. I don't want us to be Us again. I just miss him a lot. So we welcome me to the world of singledom. Truly, simply, finally. And I understand now why I kept running from it before. I'm glad I'm here; I know I need this. I just... am wading.

And now another bright has turned to grey
And someone else's light will take my place
And though I'm getting used to the aftertaste
You know I miss your eyes, I miss your face

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