March 10th, 22:58 | We were long due a rant anyway...
Now, I like to think of myself as a fairly patient person. During rush-hour driving, I'm mellow, considerate of other drivers (even the assholes who *will* cut me off), and I swear I'm the only one who ever stops in the mornings so little kids can cross the goddamned road and get to school. But hey, much like everyone, I have my limits. There are things that annoy me to no end. Sadly, I get to encounter one of these every fucking day. And now you get to share in my aggravation! Yay!
So are you curious? You want to know what would drive a normally fairly sweetly-dispositioned (if not particularly even-tempered) girl to a cold, murderous rage? I shall tell you : Elevator Idiocy.
I'm not talking about the little quirks that people tend to display while they're travelling from one floor to another; the compulsive "Door Close" punchers, the foot tappers, the people who stare at the floor indicator and only blink when the floors change, none of that. I'm not talking about the incults who take the thing up -- or worse, down -- only one floor. No, no. I'm talking about a whole 'nother breed of irritatingly inconsiderate elevator passenger. I call them the Beef-Witted Displaced In-Crowd (Or BWDIC).
So what is it that these folks do that aggravates me so? I'll tell you. They plant themselves in front of the elevator doors while they're waiting for it to land at their floor. And that's fine. Don't get me wrong, lots of people do that -- I mean, sometimes the elevator's empty, sometimes it's not; it's a toss-up as to whether or not you'll need to move, so you might as well park your cologne-doused, pasty corporate ass right in front of the doors right? That's fine. But if the doors open and -- lo and behold! -- there are people inside, you should probably step aside.
I'm going to throw in a clause here for the cases when the people inside said elevator are not actually getting off. This happens sometimes. But you know what? I work on the top floor of my building -- you have to figure that the likelihood of someone riding that puppy up to the 7th, then back down to a lower floor is going to be pretty low, right? Yeah, me too. So clearly, if you're going to be an assmunch (or BWDIC) and just stand right in the fucking entrance in such a fashion that no one can get past you, and spend a good ten seconds gaping, cowlike, into the elevator while dangling your McVentiSized frou-frou latte from one hand with your laptop tucked under the other arm, it should come as no surprise to you when you get shoved by the irate-looking girl with the messy hair, four bottles/nalgenes/cups of water (I play aquarius for my team), and Serious Heels One Does Not Mess With as she storms past you and down the hall. It wouldn't even be so bad if it was a one-time thing -- but it's not! It just makes me want to yell! I mean, dude, we live in North America, you've clearly been working in the building for at least six months ('cause that's how long I've been there, and I recognize some people from when I was an intern), it's not like the elevator is a foreign concept. Jeez Louise.
At this point, I figure they've had fair warning. If it happens again, I'm shoulder-checking anyone in my way, open cups of water or no. If they're still in my way after five seconds, they've got it coming. Fuckers.
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