May 6th, 16:01 | used to be alright

I think I've gone off the deep end. Listening to Andrew Lloyd Webber showtunes this morning, for crying out loud, I felt overwhelmed by Don't Cry For Me Argentina, All I Ask Of You and Another Suitcase, Another Hall. Now really. I know I'm a big suck, and that I'm the world's biggest show-tunes nerd, but that's a bit much.

At the risk of the consequences of writing this, I'm going to do it anyway (remember? worry about it when I get into trouble). I miss the Boy. I miss him terribly. I miss the absolute comfort of being around him and knowing that he loved me, with all my faults, and that he knew that I loved him too. I miss him rolling his eyes and laughing at my quirks and small stupid rituals, and the way he got caught up with his obsessions (some of which we shared -- like book-buying) and the way he could never seem to be close enough. He never minded that I always wanted to sit in his lap, or curl up against him, it was never too much or too long, he liked being against me just as much. I miss the comfort of knowing that if we were stuck with each other for good... well then that wasn't bad at all. Not even close.

And, through my own decision, I'm now on my own, facing the world through terrified eyes and going crazy because the days are slow, long, they're so long when all I've to do is sit at home trying to find motivation to do anything at all. I wouldn't notice the way my other friends are busy and don't have much time if I were working, or out or otherwise occupied but I'm not. Because while I'm home, it's all I can do to scroll through my playlist trying to find songs that appeal to my mood for hours on end, feel guilty that I haven't done anything else, and feel the intense desire to just crawl back into bed.

At some point, this has to stop. I have to make myself get up, get out, do something. And in case any of you were thinking that I'm short of things to keep myself busy, oh no. Allow me to do the list thing...

* Finish my god-forsaken pillowcase for the body pillow
* Mess with the graphic card in Sam, so that it will recognize a monitor (I don't care which one) so that I can...
* Burn the mixed cd I promised FilmGuru for his drive to Vancouver and back
* Make soap
* Nag the coffee shops in the mall across the street to hire me, damnit
* Scatter resumes elsewhere and nag them
* Read. It's the Summer O' Doug, for crying out loud.
* Unpack/clean. Yeah, I kind of gave up, eh?
* a million and one geek projects I'm semi-interested in.

The list goes on and on. But I really have no motivation. It's all I can do to keep the place clean so my parents don't get too frustrated with me. I'm so overwhelmed with blue these days. And of course, I don't even know what I want.

Someone quick. Make me work, make me busy, so I can save me from myself.

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