February 21st, 23:35 | I'm back; goodnight

Finally back with a minute to spare and I feel horribly by-myself and extremely desirous of sleep. Except that I don't want to. I've been cold since I left Ottawa this morning, and I have no desire to climb into my giant cold bed all by myself.

Feel lost and lonely and extremely averse to being away from the Boy; some vague thoughts in there about how forethought, or cleaning up afterwards would no doubt improve my writing immeasureably. Too tired, too distraught.

I want to call people, to talk to someone. Someone that isn't my frosh, someone that I don't have to at least pretend to take care of. Put another way, I want someone I can feel shameless about asking to take care of me for awhile. Is that very terrible? I feel Jerry McGuire; have I always been this bad at being by myself? Probably. Fuck. It's like I never left highschool. Baka. And I'm somehow supposed to guide a whole floor of froshlings into evolving and growing into themselves? Feeling very underqualified right now.

The week in Ottawa was amazing. I won't do it justice tonight. So tired I barely had energy for my dad's visit -- he brought my birthday gift early. I can't believe my mom bought me something that cool. Feel bad for not expressing enough that I do love and appreciate them; it's not supposed to be so hard to talk to your parents, is it?

Really don't think I did well at the JET interviews and starting to not care. Have a to-do list for this next week longer than I think I can handle while I'm too busy moping over being away from the Boy but on the bright side, aspects of my life appear to be putting themselves together at least a little. I'm never going to understand why things fall in place for me like this, but they do. I'm spending my last life's karma like there's nothing after this. I guess it's the samsaric "live fast, die young". I promise I'll be good when I've got it all figured out and repay my debts. If you can wait till then.

I never thought of myself as someone who needed a rock until this week. Lucky the Boy to be there then ;) And Chan, since when do you say "neh"? ;p

I could realy use a hug and someone to watch movies with right now. Sadly, I'm the only one I know on campus, so I guess I'll take myself sensibly to bed and get rested up for all the madness starting tomorrow.

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