l i l e p h y t e


November 13th, 01:48 | awesome-crazy hardcore rain

Note to self: happy birthday CivilEngBoy.

So in predictable Me fashion, I totally spent way more time hanging out in my frosh's room with a group of them than I should have. But it's so much fun! And besides, I got my extra-curricular stuff done, and figured out that I need to do my references for JET tomorrow. Which I will. That's almost ahead of time. Go me.

Getting really tired of this whole application process thing. Which is ridiculous because I'm very obviously not going to get accepted if I don't even apply, right? But it's just so... not registering as important right now. Too many things are imminent, too many things seem like they should matter more. Maybe I'm not ready for medschool. Maybe I'll never be ready. Maybe I just don't have my shit sufficiently together ('cause if there's anyone who's shit you would like to be together, it's your doctor's) to hack it. Maybe I really should just go with the teaching thing (note: deadlines for Edschools in Ontario -- Dec. 1st; have I started filling out apps? no.) or something. JET is starting to look really, really good.

Bah. I'm tired of trying to quell myself everytime I panic that if I really, really, really can't manage anything, Workplace will take me back. Because... now that feels so shallow and Not What I Want. ARGH.

Want to stop thinking about it. Want to think happy thoughts. Which I've been doing a lot lately. I feel happy. I am in a happy, (generally) competant state. Things are good. I got my mark back for my oral presentation in AI that I essentially blacked out on (80%! Wheee!) and for my Networking midterm -- I so kicked the ass around the block for pretty much everyone in my circle. Which is weird, because I'm completely the slacker-flakey kid who know one ever thinks understands anything. My prof also made fun of me for doodling "Midterm!" with stars and happy faces on the cover. Men.

I'm in a good place because I'm feeling more balanced with my people. The Boy and I don't talk all that much on the phone, but we have little icq conversations sporadically through the day, so it balances out. When we do talk, we talk well. No arguing, no long bitter silences. It's good.

Although I'm not talking much technically with chan, I feel like things are better. No real justifiable reason. I just do. I don't feel so daunted writing for one thing. (I have this thing where if you don't write someone for a long time, and you know you should have, it gets harder and harder to start writing. Anyone else get this? Bueller?)

I've reached an equilibrium with MetallicBoy. I won't go so far as to say I've got him figured out, but I have him sufficiently figured out for my purposes. Actually, while talking to him the other day I swear I almost broke through that goddamned shell of his. Had it been in person rather than over the phone, I might actually have seen a piece of what he's really like. Pity.

I really feel that I'm building a rapport with my floor. More importantly, they're starting to get out of their cliques a bit and mingle more, which makes me really happy. I'm totally setting up a game of wink-tackle as our ice-breaker for the next floor meeting, and I'm making everyone nametags for our fancy-schmancy dinner next week (guest speaker(s): folks from our campus radio station!) so we'll see what that does for FloorMate Recognition.

I'm just generally feeling really good about things in general... meaning everything except medschool (and other) applications. I suppose if we extended this, it would mean that I feel good about everything except my academic/employment-related future. Which... isn't so bad... right?

^_^ Not going to worry about it tonight. I'm tired, and have an 8:30. Despite the scary amount of work facing me (seriously frightening, and I have an all-day Saturday cert. for non-violent crisis intervention) and an impending visit by the Boy, I feel good. Really, really good. I'm starting to truly believe that I work well under pressure. One of my frosh started the sign-up for the Secret Santa (and borrowed paper and markers from me) with the somewhat pointed comment that she was "one of those people who likes to get on things." It stung at the time but honestly? I could care less right now. My way works for me, and honestly, it works for the floor. I used to schedule stuff, but it wasn't working. Last minute works on my floor. Tough, but true. As to her attacking me and my mad don sk1llz, well... alright fine. She's entitled to her opinion. One day I'm going to crack and tell her not to compare to other dons and critique me until she's tried it herself.

...hopefully it'll be March or April by then.

g'night!


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