l i l e p h y t e


October 23th, 00:54 | Body found while I was learning the balboa

I don't really want to write about it, but in a way, I kind of do. Well, no. I mean, I honestly don't really remember her that well. The fact that she was here, a frosh in my university, that another don found her body, kind of leaves me with a dull ache (would have hurt more, probably, if I'd known the don, but I didn't) and the fact that she was from my highschool just adds an angle of surreality to the whole thing. What really bothers me is a discussion I had with one of my frosh before I had the floor meeting later last night to talk to them about it. Close-enough recreation of dialogue follows.

Previously, random chatter about the floormates of the girl and what they must be going through.

lile: Well, I think really, I'd just be in shock, mostly. It'd probably hit me afterwards, but at first? Just shock.
frosh: I guess. Honestly, there's some people on this floor though, that I'm not really sure I would.
lile: ...?
frosh: Well, it's different for you! You know everyone! But I mean, some people I barely see, I mean, it'd be sad but I'd, you know, move on.
lile: Yeah, but I mean it's the proximity too, you know. Like "wow, someone just down the hall from me isn't here anymore," you know? I would be in shock.
frosh: I guess. I really don't think I'd be that affected.

More horror and a little bit later,
lile: ...?
frosh: I'm kind of surprised that it turns out it wasn't a suicide. I'm wondering if they're covering that up, maybe. I fully expect there to be at least one this year.
lile: ...?? NO. It was natural. ...You know suicides really aren't that common here.
frosh: Oh I know. Still, I have my expectations.
lile: *abject horror/awkward silence* ...They are people, not just numbers.
frosh: When it comes down to it, we're all just stats. [*more lile-horror*] It's cold, but that's reality.
lile: *trying very hard to respect alternate viewpoints and not shake frosh* It's one reality...
frosh: Mehn.

I seriously can not describe the horror I felt when I was having this discussion. Are there really people who think like that?? I mean, I know I kind of spaced about those women engineers who were massacred, but I at least understood that they were people to someone, if not me. To me, they really were just names and statistics, because I had no connection to them. But this girl was a student here, in res, in some of that frosh's classes.

It just hit me so hard because my floor in general is the sweetest. Seriously. I love the way even from two days after everyone moved in, they were all taking care of each other (mostly in the form of carting each others' drunk asses home and watching over each other; hey, it was frosh week) but I was talking about it with the other dons in the building and I was saying how our building was awesome because our frosh take care of each other (I've seen it on a couple other floors too) and they looked at me and said "yours do." I was so surprised.

I remember being worried in the first couple weeks about floor cohesion, about how my floor was kind of cliquey, about how I was failing as a don to bring them together as a big group. And in a way, I am. They're still cliquey. There are still a couple people who don't really hang with the floor at all (one of whom only talks to me to ask me to tell the others to hush). But overall, there's maybe three groups, almost entirely based around physical location on the floor, and they are completely open to hanging out with the rest of the floor. They are nice to each other (except occasionally when drunk) and take care of our floor. They have ideas for prettifying and making the place theirs. I'm so proud of them, on a daily basis.

So it took me completely by surprise to hear what that frosh had to say. Later, at the floor meeting, the amazing indignation and sympathy from the others reassured me. So did today. The frosh came to my room on the brink of tears. She realized that the girl was actually someone she knew fairly well (by first name only, I guess?) and whom she'd walked back from her study group with every week. I felt bad for her pain (yay for hugs and candy!) but at the same time, I can't express how glad I am that she snapped out of it (or maybe I mean "into it"?) even if just for a couple hours, to look at things from my perspective.

I know. I'm a horrible, petty person. But that whole episode made me realize why I can't deal with MetallicBoy. He lives his life completely in the abstract. CS, the philosophy, the absolute imposed rationality. The video games, the constant quest to find battles of wit in which to compete. The only thing that betrays any emotion is his obsession with music. Which vaguely ressembles MathieEx's except with more hip hop. (Actually MetallicBoy's taste in music really is kick-ass. With the exception of the bands Green Jelly and Thursday, I would kidnap his music in a heartbeat.) And I can't face that. It's like a fish trying to fly.

I don't know why exactly I feel that feeling everything is more "real" somehow than filtering it all through your rationality, but it just is. I know I'm not the only one who believes that. (Right?) RecentEx says he won't step off his Mentat pedestal because he wants me bad and he doesn't know what to do. (RecentEx's answer to any issue I have with a guy is that he wants me bad and doesn't know what to do about it.)

I feel the desire to just grab him, start running and make him feel the world, even if only for ten minutes. All the pain, all the confusion, I feel like I could erase it all, if I could just get him to... be human again. Like back when we actually had conversations.

I just don't know why I feel that way.


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