l i l e p h y t e


October 19th, 15:57 | GOOYCZ -- new theme for the year?

I have that nervous inclination. One of those moments RecentEx would probably call an Almost Breakthrough. I can feel reality peering at me from behind a door as I type and quietly pretend I haven't sensed its presence.

And so, once again, we find that the evil of the past seeps into the present like salad dressing through cheap wax paper, mixing memory and desire. You guys escort The Terror outside and I�ll handle The Human Ton.

I live off in a cloudworld somewhere (as many have noted, upon meeting me) and it drove RecentEx up the wall. I really do believe everything will work out alright. I believe Good will triumph over the Evils of the world, and I believe nothing truly awful can ever happen to me or anyone I love.

Yeah, and you thought I was just that "normal" flavour of sheltered. Ha.

I'm squicky because 24 hours from now my Ontario medschool applications are due and I'm... not quite done them yet. I want to call people. I want to nap. I want to fix myself KD and tidy and vaccuum, and do ten million small chores and errands that would result in stalling on writing answers to stupid questions about why I want to be a doctor.

I don't know why I'm so bad at forcing myself to do work. Seriously, if I just stopped fucking around, it would take me maybe two or three hours and I'd have done with all this crap, be able to watch a movie with my floor and start on my homework. As it is, it'll likely take me all night.

I want to call my parents.

We've been a bit crackly; they were disappointed in the way I left everything to the last minute as well, and kind of nagged a bit over Thanksgiving. I proceeded to yell at them for "nagging" me more every phone conversation (2) we've had since then. Not good. I am so incredibly not proud of myself for that. But I didn't know how to say it. What I wanted to tell them was that I know. I know what I did was stupid and wrong, and not the right way to handle it. I know what I have to do, and don't need to hear it from them. I yell at myself quite hard enough that I don't need it coming from the outside as well. What I wanted from them was to hear that it was going to be okay. That I just needed to take a minute to sit down and calmly finish up, that it wasn't any problem, and I was doing okay. Je voulais une maman et non une m�re.

What makes it worse is that in a way, they were saying that. They just didn't put it in the words I wanted (needed?) to hear. I'm so stupidly selective that way. Someone can be saying, essentially, exactly what I need, and I'll know it, but it won't actually make me feel better unless they say it exactly the way I want to hear it. So stupid. Damn my visual-kinesthetic self. If I could only associate more freely with verbal stuff, it might be easier. My relationship with RecentEx certainly would have been.

I wonder at times like this if it's so bad. Is it truly awful that the real world (World to lilephyte: there is a big possibility you will never, ever become a doctor. Suck it.) make an appearance in my existence. After all, my theme for the year was (still is... kinda?) Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone. Changing my worldview to accept non-happy endings is a pretty big leap out of my comfort zone. So it's good... right?

Maybe I'm just tired of all this justification and self-promotion. Tired of fighting to argue that my way works just fine, thank you. I wonder what would happen if I just gave in? ...as tired as I am though, I don't think that's going to happen today.


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