l i l e p h y t e


September 28th, 17:56 | always after that happy medium thing...

Somewhat frustrated, somewhat angry (at myself and other people) and partly just wanting to curl up into a ball and start over.

My days of wishing I could re-do my entire university career are over though. No matter how many more clubs I could have tried out, no matter how much better my marks would have been. The people I've met, the ones I really want to hang on to, really, they're worth it and it's the way it should be. This doesn't mean I'm happy with the Now though. Once again, I'm disappointed at myself. They're applications. Just applications. Not that hard to do. Right? They seem pretty hard for lile to sit herself down and fill out. Homework? I've gotten a solid half-hour in today, realized that although I like lisp, there's something fundamental to it that I'm not understanding (pooh!) but still feeling good. So that's alright.

Had a semi-argument with the Boy this afternoon (over icq, of all things) about how we're doing, about time-management, and about why any long-distance relationships I undertake whilst here in my university town are nigh-doomed to failure. About how my life here, and the aspect I love, I absolutely adore about it, is the spontaneity. How long distance anything isn't exactly amenable to said spontaneity. About how I'm obviously not one given to balance, as much as I try. About how frustrated I was when he didn't give me credit for trying to fit him in. About how upset I was that, yet again, my schoolwork was suffering because I always put people first. And have been for four years.

I'm angry with myself for not learning anything. And it finally really hit me in the shower. Chan's right. I can't say "no". It's why my schoolwork is always what suffers while I'm here. Homework doesn't beg you for attention or yell at you when you ignore it. People do. I don't have to say "no" to homework. It just very patiently sits there and becomes overdue. People, on the other hand, people are much more vocal. And I can't deal with it. But how do I explain this? How do I explain to a medschool that I am, indeed, a smart cookie, and that the reason my marks don't reflect that is because I have no sense of will-power, or balance, and do not have within me the ability to say no to people so I can do what I need to? Are these even qualities you want in a doctor ferchrissakes??

Frustrated. Frustrated, and sitting in a skirt in the best I could do for last-minute girlification (oh, to have my teen years to do over so I'd learn how to prettify myself) before a dinner tonight. *sigh* I want someone to understand all this. I want someone to just know. I want, I want, I want.

I want to stop feeling like nothing is ever enough, and that for once, no, I'm not fucking up.

This sounds a good deal more harsh than I feel, I think. I just... want some balance. Balance. Yeah.


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