l i l e p h y t e


September 24th, 01:53 | Women; always leaving you when you just had the crap kicked out of you

Feel hollow and sick. I just got back from a night of escapism. I was lucky to run into RecentEx at my jacket sizing, and told him how I felt blah and didn't want to go back to res. So he humoured me, and we drank milkshakes, then rented Fifth Element (she is SO hot) and watched it with NeighbourBoy and his housemate (who both know the Boy, which is pretty cool). It was a good evening. Relaxing. Surrounded by people who know me. Kind of. It was what I wanted. Kind of. What I really wanted was for someone to feed my inner diva. Being a don is fun, and it's good, and I like it but... I want to be the centre of attention. The Boy can only do so much when he's so far away, and... I guess a movie really isn't the best way of achieving that.

What do I want? I don't know. RecentEx asked if I wanted to talk about it but really? I have nothing to say. I don't know what's wrong. I have this impending sense of doom, that the world is going to end when school is over because the Boy has all these plans, he just needs to know which ones will best mesh with mine and I... am not even sure my courses will let me graduate? What??

*sigh*

I know it's not the end of the world. I know it's no big deal. I just... feel... lonely, I guess. This campus makes me cry now. It holds so many memories, so many good memories, and close to no bad ones. And all those good times, all those ghosts of people I used to see here, are gone. I'll likely never see them again. The whole life I used to have here... gone. It's over. I can't deal with it. Some people go through this in their frosh year, when they feel that way about highschool. I never did. I don't know why. Probably because I was so far away from it all. Out of sight, out of mind. But now I'm constantly comparing, constantly doing double-takes when I think I see an old TA or lab partner walk past, but it's just some frosh who looks like them. It's like my university broke up with me, but we still keep running into each other at all our favourite hang-outs, and they're already dating not one, but like ten billion slutty new frosh, and I'm... trying not to cling too much on my friends while I drag my sorry ass around trying not to show the campus how pathetic I am, and how much I miss being with it The Way Things Were.

What a shitty analogy.

Nonetheless, that's as close as I've been able to get to pinpointing what's wrong. I'm scared. I'm scared of not having anywhere to go after this. Of disappointing everyone. Of ruining the Boy's plans, of hurting my parents. Of not ever being in a situation where I can hang out with my sister regularly again. I'm scared of not finding myself in a job I love, of being trapped doing something that I feel hampers me. I'm frightened of being caged. Mostly, I'm frightened that even though I know all this, all my free time seems to disappear into thin air because I can't focus on anything.

Stupid fucking university. That whore. Where's my ice cream?


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