September 15th, 17:40 | stupid boy.

Why are guys so dumb? Let me explain. Smitten is a guy friend of mine. He's a sweetheart. He was a relief to be around; a guy who could read me, actually pick up on my thoughts/feelings before I got them. Obviously, tempting after the recent snap with RecentEx. And yes, we got into flirting, and the mild fling-isms. Nothing serious. Because I've been there before, and I don't want to hurt him (more) and all that other stuff. So. We're Just Friends. (As though that can ever exist with me, apparently.)

This is a Good Thing. Because I still think about RecentEx, I still cry, I still wish we were together sometimes. Mostly I know I'm just lonely, and truely facing the world on my own for the first time ever. (Yes, ever. Way back, before my army of boyfriends, I had a joined-at-the-hip best friend. These days, we're both too busy for that really, and besides, she's got her boy to worry for. Besides, I've wanted this for so long, I'm not going to pass this chance up no matter what.)

Right, so over icq, at a friend's house in Kingston, a friend of Smitten's writes me telling me he's there, she's bored, and would I be upset if they fooled around. I said it's not my decision, and that she should be talking to him, not me. He writes and says "so you're saying she can do whatever she wants??". Why the hell is asking me?? He is a full-grown adult and completely capable of making his own decisions. If he wants it that badly and she's okay with it (she's got a bf), why the hell am I involved in this decision?

Having said that, I feel hollowed out thinking that something did happen. I know I'm not the only one, I need to say that first. It's just a little disheartening to be faced so flatly with someone who can tell me I rock his world, but for whom (and I already knew anyway, so I don't know why I'm so bothered) sex is Just Sex. It's sacred for me, and while I know that sounds pretty lame coming from me, I do actually understand the need to Just Get Laid, Damnit, and better than you'd think I would. I just... I don't know. Maybe it's just the choice of girl (she has a bf! they're all friends!) or maybe just the way he's pseudo-asking my permission. Don't give me a leash you don't really want me to hold, you know?

It's probably just a way of warding off me being pissed off later "Well, I asked you..." but I refuse to let myself get drawn into this. It's very much like -chan and EngBoy, really.

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